Poot (Wherein I Secrete A Taco Recipe And Probably Write A Fart Joke)

I’ve had a lot of requests over the last few weeks for the recipe of the lentil tacos I’m fairly well known for. I know, “lentil tacos? You fucking hippie.” Bear with me:

Lentils are a fantastic source of protein, fiber, and iron and are a pretty delicious alternative to meat. Plus, if you’re even a quarter as immature as I am they are pretty much nature’s perfect laff fuel. I mean, does your job involve riding an elevator at any point? Then you, my friend, are made. That having been said, I’m not a strict vegetarian and by no means am I a vegan. Honestly, I couldn’t imagine a day without a gore-drenched length of a coworker’s intestine and a glass of milk to wash it down.

I wish I could say I came up with these bad boys, but the credit (as near as I can tell) falls squarely with Asbjorn Intonsus. If you enjoy vegetarian/vegan fare and death metal you should pick up a copy of the vegan cookbook “Please Don’t Feed The Bears!“. The bonus? A recipe for homemade absinthe!

Lentil Tacos

The Ingredients
1 1/2 Cup of Dried Lentils
3 1/2 to 5 Cups of Water
1 Bay Leaf
1 Stalk of Celery
1 Clove of Garlic (Crushed)
1/2 Teaspoon of Sea Salt
1/8 Teaspoon of Dried Thyme
1 1/2 Cups of Tomato Sauce
1-1 1/2 Tablespoons of Taco Seasoning Mix
8 Taco Shells
1 1/2 Cups Shredded Lettuce
1 Medium Onion (Diced)
1 Large Tomato (Diced)

The Method
Sort and wash the lentils (stones sometimes slip past the factory and will crack your teeth in a spectacular fashion). Combine lentils, water, bay leaf, celery, garlic, salt, and thyme in a pot and place over medium high heat. Once it’s boiling, reduce the heat and let it simmer uncovered for an hour and a half (stirring occasionally and adding more water as needed). When it’s done, remove the pot from the heat and discard the bay leaf and the celery stalk (I like to eat the celery while I’m getting plates and silverware together). Combine the tomato sauce and taco seasoning and make sure it’s mixed well while the taco shells heat in your oven (follow the directions specific to each brand on the shell’s packaging). Spoon the lentils (I like a fork or even a slotted spoon, as the lentils will still be pretty wet) into the shells, top with the tomato sauce and other toppings, and dig in. Leftover lentil mixture is pretty great the next day in a whole wheat wrap with lettuce, tomato, and bean sprouts.

Advertisement